On Sunday I spent 4 hours on a Suffolk beach with my nephew (4). His greatest pleasure in life is throwing stones in water. Hence a pebbly beach is heaven to him.

We buried each other in the sand, made rivers with water retrieved from the sea in a plastic bucket, ate our picnic and had some ice cream. But for the most part, all I did was watch him throwing stones.

I only had to say 'no' to him once ; that was when he asked if he could do a poo in the sand. In retrospect I think I was a bit harsh.

...but you looked anyway. Thanks.

This evening I'm off to Herts. to meet up with former colleagues M, M, A and her husband R for a how're you getting on session.

Then tomorrow I'm going to Norfolk to catch up with my nephew, whom I love dearly.

Have a nice holiday weekend y'all.

I know, I know. Doesn't sound great but it is delicious:p Available from most supermarket chains for less that 50p (€0.70) for 2 litres (3.8 pints).

Caution: Diet Cherryade can be addictive. If you think you may have a problem with your diet cherryade consumption then ring the diet cherryade helpline 0800 666666.

Please note that I just made up the above telephone number and it may or may not actually exist. If it does, it's more likely to have something to do with devil worship. So gan canny.

I've had a very pleasant evening with Old Rosie

7.3% from the Weston's Cider Corporation.

Bottom of the league......... 4 defeats out of 4 ...knocked out of the cup by Bury.

What Sunderland didn't need for a manager was the likes of Glen Hoddle or David O'Leary. We need someone who knows how to crack a teacup off someone's head.

Roy Keane perhaps?

I came up with two potentially life changing ideas in the bath this morning. The second will take a little time to formulate in my head and involves the meaning of life. As you're probably all interested in the meaning of life, it is my duty to publish my ideas in this blog. Which I will do soon.

But the first idea is so simple I'm surprised I didn't think of it sooner.

I'm a tad overweight. Ok, if you believe bolloxy body mass index calculations, I'm likely to die in the next 5 seconds or so. Despite that, I eat healthily and take regular exercise. My problem is my sweet tooth; when I start eating buicuits , chocolate and cake I find it hard to stop. What has dawned on me is the relationship between caffeine and sugar craving. I like a cup of tea because it reminds me of biccies, and I like biccies because they remind me of a nice cup of tea.

So all I have to do is stop drinking tea and hey presto, I'll be skinny in no time.

Must remember not to lose too much weight too quicky.

Ever tried chicken tarka,its a bit like chicken tikka but a little otter

Chris The Mag

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

There aren't enough days in the weekend

Is "tired old cliche" one?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/shows/wright/

For no good reason, I thought I'd look upsome funny or interesting cricket quotes. Most of these came from http://www.redscc.org/articles/misc/quotes.html

“I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth - certainly greater than sex, although sex isn't too bad either”
Harold Pinter

To think of playing cricket for hard cash! Money and gentility would ruin any pastime under the sun. ~Mary Russell Mitford, 1823

I cannot for the life of me see why the umpires, the only two people on a cricket field who are not going to get grass stains on their knees, are the only two people allowed to wear dark trousers. ~Katharine Whitehorn

Cricket is baseball on valium. ~Robin Williams

“Cricket civilizes people and creates good gentlemen I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen”
Robert Mugabe

"What a magnificent shot! No, he's out." - Tony Greig.

Cricket needs brightening up a bit. My solution is to let players drink at the beginning of the game, not after. It always works in our picnic matches." - Paul Hogan

"I didn't drop my pants and moon the crowd; I just went a little bit over the top. I carried on like a pork chop, but the bottom line was I didn't do anything wrong." - Shane War ne on his balcony celebrations after the win at Trent Bridge in 1997

"They might as well bulldoze Lord's. I'll never go there again." - Unnamed MCC member after a vote to admit women to the 211-year old club

"I was once offered a Foster's (beer) from someone over the fence, but it was warmer and frothier than a Foster's." -Bob Willis

"A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can't be more than 30." - Michael Abrahamson, SABC.

"I knocked his helmet straight off his head." It went to pieces and blood came out ... I thought it was brains coming out. I think he was pretty happy to be alive." - Jeff Thomso n talking of the first time he bowled to New Zealand's Martin Crowe

"Yorkshire all out 232, Hutton ill! I'm sorry.Hutton 111" - BBC news announcer

"Welcome to Worcester where we have just seen Barry Richards hit one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground." - Brian Johnston

In what other sport would an accusation of cheating provoke such debate?

I don't know who's wrong or right about the alleged ball tampering but far from being a bad day for cricket, I think it has raised the profile of a game that shows the rest of the world how to behave.

Cheating, bigotry, violence and argument are pleasantly rare in Cricket, which is why the current dispute has made headline news.

What a shame the Americans, and some other nationalities, don't play.

Buy 2 for 41p in Woolworth's now.

My visitor and page view numbers have shot up over the last few day for no apparent reason. Has anyone else observed a similar phenomenomenon?

As you can see, I'm still writing the same old rubbish

Eight squid I knew some of you would be wondering.

At one stage it was looking like 50 nicker cos I spotted Pete as a winner very early on. But I made a some bad decisions in the latter stages, first backing Glyn when I thought he was on a roll, then Nikki

X Factor next - bring it on

I'm eating a Time Out as I write

I managed to go through Lent without eating chocolate (though I'm not Christian) and kept it up for a further couple of months. But I've steadily slipped back and now I'm doing 50-100g a day.

Doing Lent was easy, so I suppose I should try again during Ramadan (I'm not Muslim either). If I keep on doing that for a few years, until the year when Lent and Ramadan virtually follow each other; surely I'll kick the habit for good then

My Time Out is finished now. Now I want another one

...and can I borrow a spanner please?

If you've never had anything to do with being on tv you don't really appreciate the stuff that goes on behind the scenes.

My mate decided he'd like to put his quiz team on Eggheads (actually it used to be my quiz team before I moved out of the area in 2000). But filling in the form is just one of the hoops you have to go through.

We need 5 players but they insisted on us having a reserve, so we recruited my mate's wife who isn't as keen as us and didn't expect to be playing. Then they phoned each of us individually and asked us 10 questions, of which we needed to average 4 correct. We actually averaged about 6.5 so that was ok (I won't mention which of us got the most points cos that would be immodest).

Then we had to turn up at a hotel in Bristol to meet two young ladies for the audition. And audition it was too. They asked us typical questions they might ask on the show and we had to do that bit where you pretend you're mulling the questions over out loud when in reality you know the answer straight away. Then we had to talk about ourselves to camera including saying which vegetable we'd like to be. Loads of photos and different film clips interspersed with anything quirky or interesting we could muster.

For the girls who were doing us, we were the 8th and final team they'd done that day and they were off to Cardiff to do some more the next day.

The tape will now be sent of to the producer in London who will declare wether we're suitable or not. And, they will decide which 5 out of the 6 of us will appear.

I don't suppose we will get on air (or maybe I'm wrong), but it was an interesting little adventure anyway.

This evening, I will be in Bristol with me mates (I have mates?!) having an audition for Eggheads http://www.bbc.co.uk/whatson/beonashow/shows/eggheads.shtml

Ironically, I will be trying to win some license payers, money

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4790313.stm

My MP3 player is a bit basic, so will only allow me a maximum of about 40 odd tracks of music. And since, I also use it to listen to podcasts I actually have fewer on. I also update it regularly so what's on now represents a hip and happening charty kind of ting. It also reveals a (not very) deep insight into my being. So here's the list in no particular order.....

Kingston Celebration.................DREAD ZEPPELIN http://www.dreadzeppelin.com/
Fake Plastic Trees....................RADIOHEAD
Street Spirit (Fade Out)..............RADIOHEAD
http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Radiohead/The_Bends/group_954/album_3/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
Having Fun............................THE RUNNERS
Every Day Every Night...............THE RUNNERS
Familiar Faces........................THE RUNNERS
You Want It...........................THE RUNNERS
http://www.myspace.com/therunnersband

The Morning Of Our Lives..............JONATHON RICHMAN & THE MODERN LOVERS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathon_Richman
White Trash Wedding...................DIXIE CHICKS
A Home....................................DIXIE CHICKS
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams).............DIXIE CHICKS http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Dixie_Chicks/Home/group_7332/album_1/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
Bank Boy..............................OTIS LEE KRENSHAW
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/collective/A926499
Say Hello Wave Goodbye................SOFT CELL http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Soft_Cell/Non-Stop_Erotic_Cabaret/group_7608/album_3/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
Come Live With Me.....................HEAVEN 17 http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Heaven_17/The_Luxury_Gap/group_12805/album_4/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
War Of Nerves.........................ALL SAINTS http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/All_Saints/All_Saints/group_673/album_2/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
The Hellbound Alleee Show.............A PODCAST http://www.hellboundalleee.com/
The Speed of The Sound Of Lonliness...ALABAMA 3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alabama_3
Babies................................PULP http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Pulp/His_`n`_Hers/group_5388/album_2/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
Thinking Of You.......................COLOURFIELD http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Terry_Hall/The_Collection_[1994]/group_4804/album_1/albref_14/mcatalog.shtml
Novocaine For The Soul................EELS http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Eels/Beautiful_Freak/group_7961/album_3/albref_14/mcatalog.shtml
Sheena Is A Punk Rocker...............RAMONES http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Ramones/Loud__Fast_Ramones_-_Their_Toughest_Hits/group_12542/album_1/albref_14/mcatalog.shtml
Where Is The Love.....................BLACK EYED PEAS http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Black_Eyed_Peas/Elephunk/group_760/album_1/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
Sand In My Shoes......................DIDO http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Dido/Life_For_Rent/group_3511/album_2/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
Take It From Me.......................TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Toots___the_Maytals/Pass_The_Pipe/group_3801/album_4/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14
The Now Show..........................BBC RADIO 4 http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/nowshow.shtml
Jump Around...........................HOUSE OF PAIN http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Ready_To_Rumble/Soundtrack/group_7118/album_13/albref_14/mcatalog.shtml
The Coast Is Always Changing..........MAXIMO PARK http://music.allofmp3.com/r2/Maximo_Park/A_Certain_Trigger/group_21316/album_1/mcatalog.shtml?albref=14

It's good when someone shares your interest in the arts; so if you like any of the stuff above, be sure to leave a comment. Ta.

I spent today with my son (27), his girlfriend (28), her son (6) and the wife's sister's daughter (10) exploring the Forest of Dean.

First we went to the Maize Maze (10 miles west of Gloucester on A48).

It was a bit of fun getting lost and that. They also had other rudimentary attractions such as a tractor trailer ride, footballs to kick about and toys for the bairns to play with. What wasn't fun was allowing my son to beat me at Giant Connect 4. Even though he had the advantage of going first and I kicked his arse in the rematch, it is hard when a man loses out to his son.

Then we went up a big hill called Blaize Bailey to have a look at the view of the Severn Valley.

Driving back, we heard the news of Sunderland's 3rd defeat in a row, which put a dampner on everything. Which brings me to my Phil O'Sophical question of the day:

When assessing whether you've had a good life or not, does the last 90 seconds before you croak count more than the previous 90 years?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address. The best answer receives a corn on the cob.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/125CC-COMMUTER-MOTORCYCLE-MOTORBIKE-CLASSIC-DESIGN_W0QQitemZ120018525195QQihZ002QQcategoryZ424QQcmdZViewItem

575 squid on the road. Haven't got it yet though. And it will take a bit for me to put it together. And it'll take a couple of weeks too get it registered.

But I'm quite chuffed.

I drive a 32 mile round trip to work 5 days a week and I feel slightly guilty about the impact that makes on the planet and my wallet. So tomorrow, I'm taking a CBT - compulsory basic training - so I can ride a motor bike.

This is me in a few months time

http://images.bestwebbuys.com/muze/books/45/0061011045.jpg

If someone threatens to hit you with a cricket bat, would you object?

If your assaillant then points out that there's now 10% less wood in the bat, would you still object?

Yesterday I bought a packet of Tesco's own brand digestive bicuits. "Now with 10% less salt" it screamed at me.

So instead of having 9 biccies with my cup of tea, I had 10