...only an hour and a half of the month to go and I know that one half decent blog will get me those last few visitors.

But I have no inspiration whatsover. I'm reduced to what amounts to a con to get you to look.

I feel dirty and ashamed.

Thanks for looking, I didn't deserve it.

There's a gert big firework display going on down the road from me. On a school night!!!!

It's like the Somme.

Can you hear it?

I'm used to being patronised by weather forecasters who need to fill a 2 minute slot with 20 seconds worth of information. If they're not telling what the weather was like yesterday, they're telling you what it's like now (thereby saving you the bother of looking out the window). When they eventually get round to doing a bit of forecasting, they pad it out with comments like "..so you'd better take an umbrella". An umbrella??? I've never carried an umbrella in my life (except when trying to play parachutes as a kid) so why should I start now just because some failed tv presenter says so? Ooh it makes my blood boil

But yesterday, the ITN weather boy put the cherry on the doughnut and I quote..."today has been the last day you'll have been able to wear a light jumper..".

What!!!!!??????

Who does he think he is giving me lifestyle tips like that? The cheeky monkey I wouldn't have minded so much but it just so happens that I've just bought a light jumper. Might as well use it to clean me bike now. I have to say that I ranted at him uncontrollably. If only those tellies were two way.

Today I strolled up to town in my lunchbreak wearing only a shirt. I was bloody freezing but I certainly showed him:b

Scientist never get much credit for anything from the general public so the scientists at Newcastle University who have just grown part of a human liver from stem cells can expect irrational condemnation from religious types and others who simply fail to understand.

But for me their work should be given the highest praise. It will take time and hard work but maybe, just maybe, when you or I need a replacement heart, lung or liver, they'll say to us "certainly, we've got a couple in deep freeze here, which one do you fancy?"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6101420.stm

It's that time of the month when some of us who are obsessed with viewing figures will blog any old rubbish just to get a final day boost.

Well I'm going one step further than that. You may think that putting 'sexy', 'football' or 'chocolate' in your blog title will increase your views, and that might be true. But the best heading I've ever used is 'Middlesborough' and if you don't believe me then scroll on down to my earlier research on this subject.

I fell off my bike again yesterday

This time my epidermis was breached. I have grazes on my right elbow and left lower leg (work that one out).

What do you think? Should I give up this motorbiking lark before I'm killed, or should I persevere cos practice makes perfect?

Regular readers will know that I broke a crown whilst chewing a bone on Monday evening. This has made me feel really low because:

1. I'm embarrased about smiling
2. I knew it was going to cost me an arm and a leg
3. Dentists are a bugger to find
4. Dentistry=pain

After trying 3 days to find a dentist close to where I work, today I manged to get an appointment with the local emergency NHS dentist. I was there for 20 minutes, suffered a small amount of pain, and got my crown replaced with a temporary one. And it cost me ................................(scroll down)
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£15.50

I was over the moon. I was fully expecting to pay a couple of hundred squids so being charged so little felt the same as having a fiver on a 40/1 winner.

The dentist says that although it's theoretically a temporary crown, he's used permanent materials so with a bit of luck it should last for a canny while.

Despite what the papers say, the NHS has got better under Labour. If you think I'm wrong and you expect the Tories, who started the whole private medecine boom in the first place, will do any better then you should consider going to your local Bupa hospital and getting a quote for having your bumps read.

My last blog about Middlesborough scored more than four times as many hits as the one I did the previous night on me crashing my motor bike.

So it's official:

Middlesborough is more interesting than falling off a bike.

http://www.10best.com/Middlesbrough/index.html

Last night I wrote about me falling off my motorbike and nearly being killed and I got a paltry number of viewers. So tonight I thought I'd write a load of nonsense about the most boring subject in the world and see how many views I get from that. As you can see, the title of this post is incredibly uninteresting.

I was born about 25 miles north of Middlesbrough and grew up in Sunderland, which is a bit closer than that. Sunderland football supporters refer to Middlesborough fans as Smoggies because they live in a gloomy industrial area.

If you're going north to Sunderland or Scotland you might choose to drive on the A19 and as you pass Billingham you will see one of the most expansive, ugly undustrial areas in the world. I wouldn't say it is the most expansive, ugly industrial area in the world because that would be Avonmouth, but ICI Billingham is not pretty. That's where the Smoggies get their name.

Middlesborough is famous for 2 things. Firstly, Chris Rea who, although he wrote a couple of good songs, could not claim to be the king of rock and roll. And Secondly..... well there isn't a secondly really, unless you count the A19; a road which does the honourable thing and passes straight through Middlesrough. Ironically, Chris Rea's song 'The Road To Hell' was not writen about the A19 but the M25. Otherwise it would have been entitled 'The Road Through Middlesbrough' which doesn't have quite the same ring.

Smoggies might try to point to their football team at this point, but their pointing would be pointless because theirs is one of the few teams in the English league who have won less trophies than Newcastle in the last 50 years. A Coca Cola Cup is all it amounts to and how tatty does that sound? Despite this, the club has managed to supply the current England manager, Steve McClaren, who is useless.

One of the saddest sights in the UK is watching a Smoggie trying to gain affection. Unfortunately they cannot be loved because genetically they are Yorkshireman who, as everyone the world over knows, are loudmouthed arrogant miserable gits. Smoggies yearn to be regarded as Geordies or, even better Mackems, because, to their credit, they hate their Yorkshire heritage. However, the people of Sunderland and Newcastle just regard them as southerners - neither loved nor hated, just ignored.

So. If this blog is to have any value at all then learn this lesson:

If you're worried that people might disapprove of what you do, then do it anyway. Because, as any Smoggie will tell you, it's better to be hated than ignored.

Over the last couple of days, I've been going a lot faster. Partly because I've got the tickover set right now, partly because the bike is now past it's running in period and partly because I was reminded that the best way to take a bend is to look at where you want to go rather than the few yards in front of you. This last bit of advice has revolutionised my riding. I'm going an average of 10mph faster now.

Mind you, watching where you're going to can be a problem if you happen to watch the wrong place. I think that looking at the side of the road on a bend was part of the reason why I crashed into it on my way home from work tonight.

Despite the fact that I had been traveling at 50mph+ just seconds before and I came well and truly off, I'm pleased to report no serious damage to myself or my bike. The front wheel was knocked slightly out of line with the handlebars, the left mirror was loosened and I expect to have minor bruising on my left shoulder and lower leg tomorrow but nothing more serious than that.

In fact, I'm a bit exillerated by it all. I came off a speeding motorbike and lived to tell the tale! I don't intend to come off ever again but I think that because I know now that I won't neccessarily die if I do come off will make me more confident in future.

When I was at school, I don't recall the careers teacher ever mentioning jobs like; gynocologist, glamour photographer or tattooist/piercer. All of which I would imagine have their bad days but also their bloody great days.

In fact, because I was good at maths at school, my careers teacher thought I would make a good warehouseman. Crikey! No wonder I'm bitter and twisted. It took me till I was 39 to actually get a job doing what I was good at.

Thanks a lot careers teacher - you ruined 23 years of my life. But in truth I'm not really bitter. Actually, I'm very bitter but I'm trying to deal with it.

On the plus side, he never encouraged me to go into dentistry. I can't think of many jobs less interesting than fiddling about with people's rancid teeth. I mean it's not like you can even have a decent conversation with your patients. 'Urrghh' for no and 'arrghh' for yes can only go so far really.

(as an aside here, I remember having a female dentist once who used to rest her left breast aginst the side of my head while she was delving. She was by no means a beauty, but she was certainly very relaxing in a motherly type of way)

So anyway, I'm not having a go at dentists here but tonight I broke the crown on my front upper and I just know it's going to cost me more than George Michael's monthly parking fines to get it sorted.

Credit where credit is due, I had that crown for about 25 years, that means it lasted longer than the original tooth did. So well done that Sunderland based dentist all those years ago.

(if you happen to live in Sunderland, he was based on the junction of Chester Road and Etterick Grove but I've no idea if he's still practising)

So now I'm left with the dilemma: Fork out a fortune or just give up smiling

I just hope it's a lady dentist and she's got a nice left bsom.

I was in blistering form yesterday, winning all three of my games in our league match. My best word was made from these letters:

ADILNOOR

Can you find the 8 letter word?

One of the things about growing old is that you forget things that happened in your recent past. For instance yesterday I was riding to work and the thought struck me that I hadn't picked up my security pass. So I spent the rest of the journey worrying about the mild embarassment I would suffer in being given a visitors pass. of course when I got to work and checked, it turned out that I'd had my pass all along.

This morning, as I was riding along I noticed my legs were very cold. Then it struck me that I couldn't remember putting my trousers on before I'd put my weatherproofs on. The only way to find out was to stop the bike and strip off......

I've disqualified anything with chocolate involved because Jacobs Club would obviously win merely because it has more choc than any other and this is about the biscuit not the chocolate.

5th Best: Nice Creams; the name says it all. The biscuit that Rich Tea creams could have been

4th Best: Ginger Nuts; Slightly fiery and a good dunker from an absorbancy point of view

3rd Best: Lemon Puff; okay, a controversial choice I know but you've got to hand it to any biscuit which survives the rough and tumble of the biscuit world with such a dodgy name.

Runner up: Shortbread; delightfully creamy with crumbolicious texture

Best Biscuit: The Digestive; as well as great taste, texture and dunkability, the digestive also gives you the vague (if irrational) feeling that it might actually be good for you in some way.

Any others bubbling under the top 5?

5th worst: Bourbon creams; they promise so much with their chocolately appearance yet deliver so little

4th Worst: Custard cream; they take the cream biscuit concept and fill it with dullness

3rd worst: Garribaldi; fruit does not go with biscuit

2nd worst: Rich Tea; tasteless, textureless and hopeless for dunking

Very worst: Rich Tea Creams; An inept combination of the 2nd and 4th worst - Wholely disappointing.

Have I missed any?

Have I mentioned curried goat before?

I have to say that it's not the greatest delicacy on the planet but it's ok for a change. They love it in Jamaica you know.

If you're within 100 miles of Gloucestershire then try this restaurant

www.marinades.co.uk

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/6061140.stm

I'd always assumed that everything about my body was either extra large or extra small. That was until I recently bought a crash helmet and found I have a medium head.

What a dissapointment, I thought that being a genius meant that you had a massive cranium.

Something's wrong with my hypothesis

The BBC have announced that they are decreasing the size of the increase in tv license fee that they want for the next 10 years.

The new bid is now 'only' inflation plus 1.8%.

As I was driving to the bus station to pick up my dear wife last night, I switched on the radio as usual. Nothing on 5 Live, nothing on Radio 2, nothing on Radio 4. So I did something I don't do very often nowadays, I put a tape on (yes the car's only a year old but it has a tape player).

Back in 1978, I was the only person who listened to reggae in Sunderland, a town not known for it's immigrant population. The tape I put on was called "Best Reggae Hits Since The Last Compilation We Did" or something like that. As I drove along not being inspired by "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks (i.e. Shabba!!!) I reflected on how I hardly ever listen to music anymore and wondered if I was succumbing to that terrible affliction - age.

Then something hit me. It was the opening beats to "Uptown Top Ranking" by Althea & Donna. Up went the volume and I started getting down. For the next three minutes, I drove through the Gloucester city centre pumping out the bass like some... like some... well, you know, those young lads who buy a £75 car then spend £3000 on a sound system for it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Althea_%26_Donna

...it is believed

The wife's buggered off to Norfolk and me two closest Scrabble buddies have gone of to play in a tournament in Wales. This means I'm all alone this weekend.

I played a few games online at www.isc.ro this morning, then I set myself the task of clearing out the garage so that I had enough room for me car and me motorbike.

By the time the England game kicked off I hadn't completed the task but I did a bit more after the match. But as it got dark, I said bolox to it and my car will spend another night on the drive.

Not only that, but because I failed the task, I get only a basic shopping budget for the week.

I don't know what it's called but there's a manky bolt that goes through the middle of my bike. If someone told me it was called a linchpin then it wouldn't surprise me.

Anyway, when I got to work this morning I noticed it was busy working itself loose cos the nut holding it in had fell off.

Thought that might amuse you

If you have a vague idea that you might like trying motobiking, and if like me you're a bit of a tight wad, you may be wondering how much this has all cost me so far. Wonder no more....

Compulsory Basic Training £100
Bike £410 off Ebay (brand new mind)
Delivery £ 95
Registration £ 69 (inc tax)
Insurance £100
Helmet £ 60
Gloves £ 29
Waterproofs £ 30
L plates £ 5
Petrol £ 12 (I've done 200km so far, still got some left)
Nut (see later blog) £2

Total so far £912

I'm guessing that the payback is maybe £25 a month in fuel costs so break even point will happen in 2009 or 2010. However..... If I sell my car then I'll be well into pocket.

I rode my motorbike to work today instead of driving my gas guzzling 1.2 litre Skoda*.

Honestly, my motivation is to help the planet - and the fact that petrol prices are only going to get dearer.

It's not only my fuel consumption that's being saved but also the fuel consumptions of the half dozen or so vehicles that are queued up behind me doing 30mph

If I was a pessimist, and I suppose I am, I would expect to be rewarded for my eco-heroism by getting knocked of my bike by a 4x4. God help the 4x4 driver if I survive, that's all I can say.

*In fact my Skoda is actually incredibly fuel efficient, specially when I drive it.

I finally got my bike on the road legally

Not having much experience with motorbikes, I can't really comment on how good it is. I've done about 80 km on it today. I can say that it whinges a bit when I ask it carry my fat carcas up a steep hill.

Think I might ride it to work tomorrow