As you might know, I'm not that keen on rugby but I am amused by the English expectations of a renaissance inspired by an unfit accidant-prone one trick pony. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't they need another 14 decent players to make a team?

If Wilkinson limps off halfway through the 2nd half of the game against Scotland, with England already 15 points down, I will probably wet myself laughing.

No offence to any English rugby fans who may be reading this

As you might know, I'm not that keen on rugby but I am amused by the English expectations of a renaissance inspired by an unfit accidant-prone one trick pony. Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't they need another 14 decent players to make a team?

If Wilkinson limps off halfway through the 2nd half of the game against Scotland, with England already 15 points down, I will probably wet myself laughing.

No offence to any Englis rugby fans who may be reading this

Ten days ago, in a blog entitled 'Big Brother, Racism and Class War' I correctly predicted the current controversy

Suddenly it's not just me and the other thicko scum who's watching it, it's Amnesty International, The president of India, Tony Blair (who is still denying it), Gordon Brown (who claims he prefers The X Factor) and Jeremy Paxman.  The row is dominating the front page of many of Thursday's daily papers (not just the tabloids). 

I'm not a one to say 'I told you so' but lets face it;  I flipping well told you so didn't I?

So without going into the arguments in detail (we'll let the Guardianists do that) here's my opinion for what it's worth:

It's not racism it's classism.  Danielle and Jade have no class and Shilpa has lots.  But on the other hand, Shilpa has led a life of privilage whereas Danielle and Jade have dragged themselves into the limelight despite humble beginnings.  Can we forgive their ignorance?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But I'll be watching to see how things develop.

However, those who say that the debate about Big Brother is a microcosm of the race debate which takes place in wider British society are dead right

On November 3rd 2006 I blogged that David Bekham would be signing for Sunderland. It now transpires that Beckham, under pressure from his wife, will be spurning the north east of England for the west coast of the USA. Apparently his wife feels that her singing career could really take off in a region that doesn't really know her and has no taste.

Xylophone apologises for this misprediction.

...both on simultaneously this evening. Jade's tantrum with Shilpa and N#wc*st%e Utd 1 Birmingham City 5.

I'd like to pass on my thanks to the Birmingham City players for managing to score two of their goals during Channel 4's advertisment breaks.

It's an old trick used by pressure groups: Ask 100 members of the public a silly question then dress the result up as a news item. It doesn't really matter what the result is as you can make 'nearly one third..' sound just as exciting as 'more than two thirds..' if you're a good enough publicist.

From time to time the BBC do this too. In order to fill up a bit of space on Newsnight, they have used our money to conduct a survey into whether people want an English parliament or not. Well surprise surprise 'most' do.

What they don't tell you how many of the 61% who said yes to the question 'Should England have it's own parliament?' could really give a monkey's one way or another. Or how many of the 61% had given the subject even 5 minutes thought before being asked to comment. Or how many of the 61% hadn't realised that England didn't already have a parliament. Or how many of the 61% would change their mind if they knew how much extra tax they'd have to pay to fund the parliament.

In fact if there's a story here at all, it's that 'more than a third' of people in England are not rightly bothered.

The BBC is funded by the license fee, the unfairest tax currently on the statute books. No one is directly elected and they seem to be unaccountable to anyone.

My mam died in 1981 when I was 19. Okay, that doesn't count as especially tragic but as far as I was concerned, it was too soon. Regular readers will be aware that I am an athiest. But sometimes, when I'm feeling a bit lonely, I find myself talking to her.

During the last few years of her life she kept diaries, which she called her journals. After her death the journals were passed round the neighbourhood and sadly all but one of them got lost. Sometimes I think about my mam and wish I could read those journals just to keep hold of the memory of what she was like.

Tonight I got word that another journal has been found in the posession of her friend. I'm so excited. When I get to see it I know it will feel like a little piece of me mam is back.

You have a great idea for a tv show that entertains millions of viewers.... After several series of riveting entertainment it has a bit of a lapse and everyone wonders if this is the end.... Then someone as beautiful, witty , inteligent and generally wonderful as Jackiey (sic) comes along and makes everything great again.

Jackiey: who couldn't pronounce Shilpa's name. Jackiey: who's face, only a mother could love. Jackiey: who never stops talking. Jackiey: who's see-through swim suit was tragically underexposed to the bating viewership, unlike her punani.

The great British public voted her out.

The bastards.

I recall when Big Brother first hit the screens, it was heralded as a 'social experiment'. I didn't watch because I took the view that it was just voyeurism and tacky exploitation. But now I know better.

This year's Celebrity Big Brother has on the whole been a bit pants so far. However, the doings is starting to hit the fan and with it, we need to ask serious questions about race and class.

One of the housemates on there is an extraordinarily beautiful Indian actress by the name of Shilpa. Another is the mother of Jade. If 'Jade' doesn't mean anything to you then you're obviously not british; I suggest you look her up on Wikipedia before you read on. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jade_Goody

Jade's mother is what Rab C Nesbitt would call .scum'. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rab_C_Nesbitt

She drinks and swears just like Rab. She's not quite sexy, just like her daughter. And viewers are enthralled by her interaction with Shilpa.

On the one hand, Jade's mum can't seem to say Shilpa's name. She says she can't remember it or she can't pronounce it. We may ask if really there is a race thing going on. Does Jade's mum really think that Indians should have more English names if they're going to come over here appearing on our reality shows?

On the other hand Shilpa can't stand being in the same room as Jade's mum. Is this because Jade's mum is a bit common and Shilpa is too used to being surrounded by servants to be seen with the likes of her?

Are you starting to realise what you're missing yet?

1. Niall Quinn
2. Stephen Fry
3. Jose Mourinho
4. Ulrika Johnsen
5. Ally McCoist
6. Boris Johnson
7. Paul Merton
8. Rich Hall
9. Jonathon Ross
10. Girls Aloud

I'm not sure about no. 7 come to think of it. I think he might be a bit of a misery on beer. Might not get his round in.

Eight bull terriers have been arrested today in the aftermath of the terrible death of a 5 your old in Merseyside. I've been thinking about this dog thing....

What are they for? The last time I was in Sunderland, whilst out having my morning jog, I noticed several of these aggressive looking dogs, all being walked by aggresive looking owners. As well as thinking that I thought they'd been banned I also wondered what function these dogs played in their owners lives. I'm still wondering.

If you were the best marketer in the world you couldn't sell an invention that is liable to severley injure or kill a member of your family, that will routinely drop a foul smelling waste product at random intervals in space and time, will cost as much as a child in maintanance and will make random loud noises should a man 6 streets away happen to belch.

I say it's time to ban dogs. The exceptions are working dogs and ..... actually that's it. I originally considered allowing dogs to the elderly or the otherwise lonely people but there's really no need in the internet age for anyone's best friend to be a dog. I also considered guide dogs as allowable but on second thoughts surely someone could come up with an electronic gadget that does the same functions without the smell. And by working dogs, I mean dogs that sniff out drugs or menace football supporters, not the ones that chase foxes and the likes.

So let's make 2007 the year that we finally get rid of these vermin. I hope you agree with my standpoint. If you don't then please send me a stamped addressed envelope and I will send you some evidence to back up my case. Evidence that I will scrape up from a local street, playing field or perhaps from a child's shoe.

It's been a good 3 weeks since I last writ anything. Not sure why that is, maybe I've been at a low ebb or something. In that time, we've had Christmas, New Year, the arrest of a suspect in the Ipswich case, the hanging of a tyrant, a hike in tv license fees announced and I sucessfully sued Alliance & Leicester for £107. None of which inspired me to blog.

But last night - out of the blue - came Celebrity Big Brother and suddenly I have something to live for.

No!!!! don't click away - give me a chance to explain myself!!!

Thank you.

CBB has given us so much in recent years - Preston & Chantelle, Galloway's cat impressions, McCririck's underpants, Barrymore crying like a baby - These things have become embodied in popular culture. How can anyone not want to watch it?

This years bunch seem to have potential but it's always tricky to guess where the real action will come from. Here's a few wild guesses:

Donny Tourette - I've taken an instant dislike to him to save me time. A truly obnoxious character, who'll be the first to biff him?
Jo O'Meara - I would, wonder if anyone else will
Shilpa Shetty - I definitely would. I think I might take a closer look at this Bollywood thing in future
H from Steps - Came out as gay just before the show which is a shame cos he could've done it in better style while in the house
Carole the Columnist - Trying her best to be nice to everyone. I predict this act will be seen through within two weeks - watch out for the bruhaha.
Jermaine Jackson - I think he may get upset when he realises that no one's interested in him for himself, just for his brother
Ken Russell - Surely capable of a live on air heart attack

But my friends, no doubt you'll be wondering where Xylophone has staked his money this year. Well I can now tell you.....

It's Jo for me; an attractive, yet modest youngster with a following amongst the type of people who vote on these shows (still available at 5/1 at a bookmaker near you)