Finally we have someone to vilify properly in this country. Those other countries have had it their own way for too long, what with their teddy bears and public stonings. Now at last we have our own fatwahee.

His name is Nick Clegg and he is currently leader of the Lib Dems. But not for long because this morning, on national radio he denied the existence of God.

!!:!!BLASPHEMER!!:!!

STONE HIM!!!! GIVE HIM A THOUSAND LASHES !!!! STRING HIM UP FROM A JIBOT!!!! CUT OFF HIS HANDS!!! HIT HIM WITH YOUR BLOODY SHOE FOR GOD'S SAKE (literally)

But hang on a bit, I have a better idea: God, if you're reading this, (and he does, believe me, oops sorry, believe HIM) then this is what you do best. Its been ages since we had a good thunderbolt striking-down incident (in fact I'm not quite sure what Bing Crosby had done to deserve it but that's you and your infinite wisdom I suppose). Do it on telly so everyone can see your mercy. Give the heathen a taste of what he can expect in hell.

Then everyone will see, everyone will know, that you are a jealous god and should, under no circumstances, be fucked with.

Now I know you're a busy bloke what with all those famines, diseases, cancerous tumours and child deaths to arrange but really, your reputation is on the line here. We've seen on the news, the followers of your big rival calling on Him to bring down his wrath on the cartoonists, naive teachers and the harlots that expose their hair to the ravenous lustful eyes of passers-by. If he ever starts delivering on some of those demands then you're sidelined for eternity mate.

Furthermore, if this Clegg infidel is not stricken down soon, in the manner written in the Book of Darryl, Chapter 4 verse 1:5...

Verily I say unto you, cut off the bollocks of the unbeliever, and thou shalt eateth them up and thy shall receive two meals for camp tonight

... or by other smiting method of your divine choosing; if you don't do this, he could actually get a lot of votes because lets face it. Most people will be more inclined to vote for someone who cares about this life rather than someone who believes that he's doing the work of some beardy bloke who lives in the clouds.