I've been doing some sorting out. I've decided that having several blogs is in fact pointless and I've copied all the better stuff onto this one. If you're a regular reader then you may have read the stuff before so I'm sorry for playing with your mind.

If you've never read my stuff before then boy are you in for a treat.

Enjoy.....

2008-02-12 - 10:19:34

The BBC have been raking about in the dustbins of a British political party. Is that the kind of behaviour we expect from a public service broadcaster?

Before I continue, let me say that I have no respect at all for those evil bigoted thugs. And the BNP are not much better.

What the BBC found in the fascists' dustbin is some shredded up financial documents and are presenting them as a case of hidden political donations. I might be wrong but the evidence seems very ropy to me but if recent form is anything to go by, the BBC is not going to let a little matter of no evidence get in the way of a good reputation discolouring (can you discolour the reputation of a fascist political party? - I don't know but the BBC will try).

Of course there is no such thing as bad publicity and the BNP spokesperson who I heard on the radio this morning sounded cock-a-hoop to be given 5 minutes of national airtime. He seemed to deal with all of the accusations adequately and whether the case against them is valid or not, that interview alone will undoubtedly lead to a few nutters logging on to their website today and joining up. There is no such thing as bad publicity.

2007-12-06 - 20:20:45

http://entertainment.uk.msn.com/news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=6917911

2007-07-24 - 23:36:12

When does 50 millimetres become 2 inches? When a news reporter is trying to make something sound small.

Over the last few days the scum have been refering to the rainall in millimetres. Whereas I generally agree with metrication, I note that 50 milimetres sounds much more impressive to the average thickie than 5 centimetres. And therefore a better story.

(It has been widely noted that the British media report high temperatures in Farenheit and low ones in Celsius)

Over the past few days, highly paid, well known faces have been hanging around Gloucestershire, standing on bridges and filing their empty reports. Apart from the occasional freeloading helicopter trip this must be an immensly boring assignment. So last night you could cut the excitement with a knife as reporters managed to build up a non-story about the possibility if the power being cut off to a million homes (or was it 10 million?).

By the morning you could hear the distress in their voices as the hoped for tragedy potential had passed. In desparation they tried to big up the non-event by saying that the water came within 2 inches of breaking through. Now I do know that 2 inches sounds a lot less to the average thickie than 50 millimeters but I don't know how much water that two inches represents. A million gallons perhaps? Or more like 5 million litres?

2007-07-24 - 22:55:14

I note that two Daily Mirror journalists have been arrested attempting to plant a fake bomb on the London Underground.

What a shame armed police didn't take the opportunity to pump seven bullets into each of their heads.

2007-07-15 - 23:54:11

"The bigger the hailstones are, the more severe the storm"

- BBC News 24 weather numpty talking at 23:20 this evening about the storms he'd completely failed to predict

"Keep that umbrella handy"

- His patronising sign-off after a non-commital 'forecast'.

(I'm not a woman, nor am I gay, so I'ver never in my life kept an umbrella handy)

2007-06-26 - 19:45:01

Reports say that the floods in Sheffield may have caused up to one hundred million pounds worth of improvements.

But one group of charmless nerks are actually celebrating the destruction and human misery - television 'news' reporters. Basically, there was a bit of rain, some houses got flooded and a couple of people died who might have died anyway. But they hype it up to biblical proportions.

On a day when a senior Tory defected to Labour, Tony Blair met Arnie and Tiger Tim scored his annual 3 sets to 2 first round victory at Wimbledon, ITV news devoted 78% of their program on some puddles.

They were out in their boats and helicopters (let's not worry too much about global warming for now eh?) asking victims gormless questions like 'how did you feel when you first saw it?'. Whilst if you looked carefully into the eyes of these 'victims' you can see them totting up how much they're going to sting the insurance for.

One reporter seemed to be trying to beat the record for the most innapropriate uses of 'literally' in a single paragraph. Whilst another played a weird game of 'put-massive-stress-on-every-third-word' as shear, destruction and force became onomatopoeic.

But the highlight for them is the event that has yet to happen - the bursting of the dam. They even had an animation that showed what will happen when the dam breaks. Now Xylophone has often put his arse on the line in his blogs and as yet he has always been right (except when I thought that England might win the World Cup - what was I on?) and here's another prediction: the dam is nowhere near breaking; some forward thinking public officials have decided to take some precautions but the chances are still 100/1 against.

Unless one of the knobheads crashes his helicopter into it of course.

Today's media scare story is dodgy car fuel.

I can't help but be amused at the failure of any semblence of a scientific approach to these reports. To me, there are obvious questions like:

Over what period of time are these reported failures alledged to occur?

Is the number of failures really any different than in a normal week/month?

Is there any other mechanism to cause these failures other than fuel (dodgy oxygen sensors perhaps)?

Is there a particular model of car involved?
2007-03-01 - 14:12:05

I just looked at a map on bbc.co.uk which showed all the garages alledgedly involved - they are completely scattered all over the country. Tesco and Morrison get special mentions although there is a considerable number of 'others' involved as well. There is no acknowledgement that Tesco and Morrisons just so happen to be two of the biggest fuel retailers and therefore have quite a lot of customers who may in fact have dodgy cars.

Anyway, I'm hoping to gain from this because later this evening I will have to fill up. Normally when there's a petrol scare in the media, massive queues of scaredy cat nutters form at the pumps and the prices creep up. I'm hoping thr opposite will happen now and I'll be able to pick up some bargain fuel whilst having the Tesco forecourt to myself.

2007-12-14 - 13:50:01

This is a simple demonstration of what makes the difference between a decent Scrabble player and a World champion. This position is taken from a game in this year's World Championships. It is the opening move, eventual winner, Nigel Richards is to go first, his rack is:

BCEOPSZ

Out of all the posible moves, the following is a list of the best:

BEZ
POZ
ZEP
COZ
BOP

How do we know they're the best? Well, serious scrabble players use a program to analyse their games that relies on simulation. Each position is played over a few hundred or a few thousand times by the computer and the top moves are evaluated depending on how many points they would expect to gain or lose over the next few moves. The difference between your actual move and what the computer says is best is known as equity loss. A high equity loss shows that you have played badly. Of course if you play the best move then your equity loss is zero. Sometimes spotting the best move is easy, sometimes, as in this situation it takes a genius's brain to work out all the options.

So why is BEZ best? Well on the downside, BEZ uses up a valuable E and it is generally useful to leave yourself with an E on your rack. Many players, me included would be tempted to play POZ or COZ for that reason.

However, Richards was clever enough to work out that playing BEZ and leaving CPOS on his rack gave him a better leave that the alternatives, (POZ leaves BCES, COZ leaves BEPS). Other factors also came into consideration such as playing COZ leaves a nice hook opening for COZE and ZEP and BOP also take -s hooks at the end.

Of course this one move didn't win the game but during the rest of that game Richards only dropped a total of 2 equity points and for the competition overall aveaged only 15 equity loss points per game. A standard that most of us can only dream about.

If you want to go through the rest of the game there is an analysis here
http://scrabblestats.blogspot.com/2007/12/wsc-finals-game-3-analysis.html

Sunday, Apr. 01, 2007 - 02:29:23

You may or may not have noticed but Sunderland haven't lost a league game this year. If you're from gypsy stock (like I suspect I might be) you probably think that me merely mentioning that fact will put the mockers on it. But that doesn't worry me.

We may or may not get an automatic promotion place this season, we may or may not go up via the playoffs. But I can say with absolute confidence that if we don't go up this season, we will piss it next.

The reason for my confidence can be expressed in four words: Naill Quinn and Roy Keane.

Sunderland fans have known Niall was a top man for some time now (we always loved him more than Kevin Philips) but I'll be honest, I had contempt for Keane until recently. I now think that his time as a star man for Man Utd, when he won League titles, FA Cups and the Champions(!) League, was simply training for his main purpose in life - to make Sunderland great.

We've had our false dawns at Sunderland in recent years but this one is different. This time it is right. This time we have a chairman and a manager who are talented and focussed. I am supremely full of faith. By 2008/9 we will be established as one of the very topclubs in Britain.

I can feel it in my water.

Sunday, Mar. 25, 2007 - 00:46:32

I'm ashamed to say that I happen to know that Steve McClaren is a regular reader of my blog and this is a personal message to him. So my apologies to all of you who are not the current England footbal team manager.

Steve mate, your country needs you to resign. Be a hero.

Saturday, Mar. 17, 2007 - 02:39:10

You might not realise how good it is to be a Sunderland fan.

You probably think that we are a yoyo team whose trophy room doubles as the vacuum cleaner cupboard. Well you might be right. You are right; but what you don't realise is that we hate the one team in the world that every other football fan would love to hate - Newcastle.

I should point out that the Newcastle trophy room sees even less action than the Sunderland one; less action than Anne Widdicombe even. They last won the FA Cup in 1955 and the League in 1926. Mind you, they have got damn close to the silverware a few times since but, much to the amusement of us Mackems, it always ends in tears.

Newcastle are the only team to lose FA Cup games at Wembley in 3 consecutive years. They famously threw away a 13 point lead in the Premiership in the same season as Kevin Keegan did his "Ah'd love it" rant and the tears flowed down the bare chests of the big Magpie lumps.

Whilst they were crying, we were too - with laughter. Just like we'd laughed in 1974 when Super Mac (Malcolm MacDonald) was reduced to desparate defending because he wasn't allowed a shot all game in the cup final that the Mags lost 3-0. We laughed when former Sunderland player Dennis Tueart scored from an overhead kick for Man City against them in the League Cup a few years later.

We laughed in 1990 when we were 2 - 1 up on aggregate at Sid James's Park in a play off final and they decided to have a pitch invasion. (They had tried that one previously, most notably in 1974 when they were forced to replay a game they had already won). That game effectively got us promoted that year.

In 2002 we laughed when they were 3-1 up in the Interpisspot Cup Final against Troyes Paperboys Reserves and eventually lost 4-3. This year they went a step further actually winning the alledged trophy. However the tickertape parade around the city never quite got off the ground; the trophy is so irrelevant they were informed about their 'victory' by post because no one had noticed. Still it was a route into the Uefa Cup and for some reason, winning the Uefa Cup is thought of as an achievent; in television circles if nowhere else.

After playing a series of teams of dentists and goat herders, Newcastle finally got to play a decent team in the Uefa cup. And after 20 minutes of the 1st leg of their last 16 game against AZ Alkamaar, they were 3-0 up and dreaming of a trophy again.

On Wednesday night it all went pear shaped again for them. Alkamaar managed the 2-0 win they needed to overturn the tie and Newcastle's season was over.

My brother rang me up and how we laughed!

We were still laughing today when we read of Glenn Roeder's excuse for the failure. It was his defenders! Well Duhhhhhh!!!!. Glen mate, you spent all your money on an injury prone striker who's only in it for the money, you should have spent a few bob on a defender or two.

Slagging off your players in public is the first move in the downward spiral that leads to the sack for a manager. I expect a few more giggles in the weeks (let's hope it's months!) ahead.

Tuesday, Feb. 27, 2007 - 13:52:48

Now that I'm a rugby fan, I thought it is only fair for me to rank the 6 teams in order that I'd like them to win - if that makes sense.

1. Ireland: Because I'm 51% irish and the rugby team is an example to how people can have differences yet still share the same piece of land

2. Wales: Because I feel sorry for them. Welsh people are usually nice people but the poor buggers never win owt.

3. Italy: Because I think it's funny that 99/100 italians don't even know what rugby is and yet they find themselves competing with nations for which rugby is one of the top 2 or 3 sports. And sometimes they beat Scotland

4: Scotland: I suppose I don't feel quite so sorry for Scotland as I do for Wales because at least Scotland are good at curling

5: France: I've got nowt in particular against France, but I suppose they do take rugby seriously and as such are one of the giants, and it's always nice to see giantkilling

6: England: Because I have a chip on my shoulder about the English, probably borne out of the tendency for them to go right over the top everytime they win anything (for instance when they beat Scotland at rugby)

Sunday, Feb. 25, 2007 - 22:32:20

A few years ago I made the important recognition that poking fun at someone or attempting to ridicule them is in fact merely an attempt to cover your own shortcomings. I have therefore tried to stop doing that and I feel better about myself as a result.

It occurred to me today that I have unnecessarily scoffed at rugby as being a game for gays or thickos. I recognise now that whereas that might be true, I only said such things because I was jealous that I wasn't involved in the sport in any way.

Xylophone hereby announces that he watched a game of rugby on tv on Saturday, felt involved and thouroughly enjoyed it. He would therefore like to apologise to any rugby fan he may have attempted to ridicule in the past.

Still can't understand the bloody rules mind.

Sunday, Feb. 25, 2007 - 21:33:23

Like all evil things, there's a scrap of goodness about Sky tv. And that scrap is its 24 hour free sports news channel. It has become a bit of a family ritual for my son and me to sit watching the scores coming through on a Saturday afternoon.

Being a basically sensible lad he is a keen supporter of his home town team Sunderland. When Sunderland went one-nil up against Derby on Saturday we whooped and cheered together because we knew this one was an important game. If we won we'd be snapping at the heals of our opponents at the top of the table, whereas defeat would see us slump to about 8th place and the great run we've been on lately would be at an end.

However, we chewed our nails together as Derby came back into the game and were utterly dejected when the equaliser came late in the second half. Now, I'm not in the least bit superstitious but I have a little routine that I do every time Sunderland play - I make a cup of coffee in my Roy Keane mug. Honestly, it's just a joke really but I'd never forgive myself if I had tea, or used the wrong mug and we lost.

My ma-in-law (76), on the other hand is very superstitious. In fact I think she's from gypsy stock though she denies it. She has a red and white football shaped mug which she rubs in the expectation that a superior being is watching the pot carefully and when it's rubbed goes immediately to where Sunderland are playing and empowers their players to do better.

She's a canny old stick really, she lives on her own, and she's a more avid Sunderland fan that most. If they're playing round these parts she usually goes to watch. So, with just about 2 minutes to go on Saturday, I rang her to make sure she'd rubbed her pot. In fact I got the impression she'd rubbed the glaze of it, bless her.

All the final results were coming in and we were just about resigned to settling for a draw when suddenly the Sky presenter launched into his typical 'there's been a goal at Sunderland..' speech. Geoff Stelling is a likeable bloke, he's a keen Hartlepool supporter - a fact that he singularly fails to disguise every time his favourites score - and presents the show with a mixture of humour, excitement and passion. For what seemed like a minute, but was in fact about 5 seconds, we were kept dangling on the fact that a winner had been scored in the 93rd minute; but a winner for who........?

My son and I stood like Johnny Wilkinson statues (yes, stood, we'd both leapt from our seats during the first second of the five). Our basic life support systems, like blood pumping, were suspended while adrenalin production was increased to full capacity. We knew that the next thing we see would either send us into extasy or spoil our weekend completely. Four more seconds passed as Geoff built up the tension and then there it was: Sunderland 2 Derby 1.

Psycologists call it imprinting. I know that the sight of those two words and two numbers will stay with me forever.

Despite having not breathed for 5 seconds we screamed and jumped with gay abandon. The reporter described the goal and told the world who had scored it but we never heard. After a further 10 seconds passed the phone rang. It was my brother in Sunderland. I can't remember what we said except that I'm sure 'WOO-HOO!!' was part of it. I had to cut him off after a further 10-15 seconds as I had to ring ma-in-law. That conversation involved more 'get-in!s' and we asked each other which player had scored but neither of us knew.

I left her with her faith in the power of the footbal-teapot reinvigorated.

Monday, 17. Dec, 2007 - 19:33:32

...that me and D did this weekend

1. I pulled down a laurel tree branch so he could retreive a leaf that he particularly fancied

2. I played 'Jingle Bells' in a raspberry stylee on his belly

3. He finally managed to make a farting noise with his hand under his arm

4. We relaxed on a tyre swing

5. We made pancakes for breakfast. I had jam on mine, he had sugar and squirty cream

6. We hammered little nails into a block of wood as part of a little do-it-yourself arty thingy.

7. We bought a Christmas prezzy for his mam

8. Gave him boxing practice against my upright hand (he hurts now )

9. Taught him to use Excel (he typed in all the numbers from 1 to 100, I didn't have the heart to show him the drag function just yet)

10. Sat on some doorway steps overlooking Diss marketplace eating chips

Thursday, 13. Dec, 2007 - 02:49:23

I've been putting off reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins because I knew what was in it, however I was recently loaned a copy by a friend and I am now dragging my feet through its 400+ pages.

As I thought, it is telling me nothing that I haven't known for many years. In fact I can barely remember a time when I didn't have reservations about the whole God thing. Even when I was 7 or 8 years old; when at school they gave us religous assemblies complete with hymns and prayers; with my mother being a Catholic believer, I can remember asking "who made God".

The "who made God" conundrum is one of the basic tenets of The God Delusion (and let's face it; it's a pretty good first line in an argument for an atheist, and a hefty 6 inch nail in the coffin for a bible basher) but it isn't exactly clever. The clever bit is that a bloke made a lot of money by stating the bleeding obvious.

Other obvious arguments Dawkins makes are:

1. There is no evidence that God is in any way 'good'. In fact, if starving children and suicide bombers weren't evidence enough, then just read some of the bits of the Bible (Old Testemant in particular) where he's a right savage bastard.

2. Darwinian evolution makes so much sense. Not to be confused with Darwinian insurance rip-offs which doesn't seem to make much sense at all.

3. Praying gets you nowhere. Except if you're a bit crafty: ie don't pray to God for a bike, instead pinch a bike first and then pray for forgiveness.

It's not that I disapprove of Richard Dawkins, far from it. His book, The Blind Watchmaker is a superb description of how evolution happens and is well worth reading even if you think you understand the mechanism. It's just that, well I'm not sure if spreading the message of atheism is all that great an idea.

Sure, if a few suicide bombers, or the lunatic creationists in the USA, or the mad Jews who think it's a good idea to set up a country on someone else's land so that we can all have a jolly good hate and perpetual wars against our neighbours, or the Shi'ites and Sunnis or the Catholics and Protestants....etc... IF they were to read this book, then it may suddenly dawn on them what twits they really are and they might stop causing so much suffering. But it aint going to happen. The thick gits are more likely to buy a 100 copies and burn them in the streets than actually read one.

So that leaves us athiest to read what to us has been pretty bloody obvious for many years. And that's my problem.

You see, being an athiest isn't easy. In fact it must be the worst thing in the world. Only us athiest know we're going to die. We have to live each day with the knowledge that our lives are just a flash of light in between two vast darknesses and hence, pointless. If you're an athiest you'll know what I mean. If you're agnostic, you'll have your doubts too. If you're religous then you'll be wanting to spout something like "let God into your life", to which I would say, "no thanks, I've heard enough about your religion to know that there's more sense in the Beano than in your holy book".

What I need from a book about atheism is something along the lines of "This whole God thing is a load of bollocks and we're all going to die, but its okay because......"

Of course I have no idea what comes next because from where I'm standing it all seems so very very depressing. On the plus side, I still have 200 pages left to read, maybe it will turn out to have a happy ending after all Keep yer chin up!

Sunday, 09. Dec, 2007 - 14:10:20

Yesterday, I manged to find a quiet moment with my wife and plucked up the courage to confess.

I admitted to her that I'd been doing it with other women. It was an uncomfortable moment but I was relieved that she acknowledged that we hadn't done it together for years, I'm away from home 5 nights a week and I need somehow to pass the long winter evenings.

No I know what you're thinking. Your thinking 'ah that Xylophone, he's a bugger, trying to make me think he's writing about sex when actually he's going to start going on about Scrabble or karaoke. Well dear reader, you're wrong. My wife and I have certainly had scrabble and karaoke together during 2007 and although we don't do it as often as we used to, both are still a special part of our relationship.

I'm actually talking about dancing. Salsa dancing in fact. I read an article years ago about different ways to cheer up depressed people and the main conclusion was that dancing - whatever type of dancing - usually worked. So, when I found out that someone I worked with was a salsa teacher, I resolved to give it a crack. So off I went on Thursday evening to a hall in Canterbury to join about 60-70 others of varying abilities and various numbers of left feet.

My previous experience of salsa was limited to the excellent album Adventures In Clubland by Modern Romance which was one of my favorites in the 1980s, but I had the vague idea that you listen to some rythmic music, move your booty and get a little jiggy with the ladies. My guess was approximately right, though the promise of a girl/boy ratio of 3 to 1 did turn out to be a bit of an exageration; it was more like 6:5 I'd say.

Still, it was a bit of fun and I'll probably go again next week despite the fact that it will mean me missing Scrabble club (great game Scrabble but the music's non existent and no one ever got jiggy with me doing that). Whether or not it becomes a serious hobby or not remains to be seen. I suppose it depends on whether I'm any good at it or not.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modern_Romance_%28band%29

Monday, 19. Nov, 2007 - 01:29:22
Another in a series of things I have been doing.....

I've been sort of wandering around in my mind over the last 36 hours (a) trying to remember some of the bits of Friday night that have gone missing, (b) thinking how much of a great night it was, (c) thinking life should be enjoyed like that more of the time, and (d) wondering how can I make sure that it is.

My answer to (d) is radical change in my life - a paradigm shift no less. The answer to (e) is fuckedifIknow.

On Friday night I met up with some friends I'd worked with in Hertfordshire and it was a year since I'd last seen some of them. It wasn't so much that we were drinking heavily, it was more that we started drinking just after 6pm and didn't stop till about 5am. We started off at MD's house, moved on to a pub in Stevenage, and then returned to MD's house to do some serious damage to his wine supplies before crashing exhasted.

On Saturday morning MD made breakfast before I left around midday. In all that time, apart from the 4-5 hours sleep, the conversation flowed effortlessly. It felt that we all really enjoyed each other's company. The only time there was an awkward moment was when someone smacked me on the head after I'd made a teasing remark. As I remember it, there followed a shocked silence that lasted at least one sixteenth of a second, thereafter the incident seemed very funny.

(Mind you, I was quite drunk at the time and I'm thinking that maybe I was just behaving like that bloke in the advert who thinks he's Superman chasing after the balloon.)

The last sentence notwithstanding, I have come to the conclusion that I have in the past regarded this lot as just some people I worked with and have a few things in common. It has dawned on me today that actually they are my friends.

To the casual reader, indeed to anyone who is not me, this may seem like an odd thing to say. But my life has been one where I have had friends, who when I look back, wanted me to be something I wasn't. A true friend is someone who enjoys my company for what I am....

Oh bollocks; I'm certainly not inebriated tonight but I think I've completely failed to get over what I was trying to say. I can't be bothered trying to get it right anymore and there's no way I'm going to delete this now so make of it what you will....

Wednesday, 31. Oct, 2007 - 22:28:31

Just a quick update on my life...

(this is not funny, nor fascinating. If you want to be entertained read some of my other stuff instead - it's fecking brilliant)

I left my job in Herefordshire (because I hated the opressive atmosphere and I felt I was stagnating professionally) on the 16th October.

There then followed a two day conference which I was not only instrumental in bringing about but was actually chairing and presenting at. It seemed like a great success and might be the best acheivement of my career so far.

The following Monday I started a new job at a blue-chip company in Kent - 200 miles from home. It's a year's contract and the money is excellent but after I deduct the cost of living away from home I don't suppose I'll feel too much better off. Still, it's a slightly different field for me and I'm expecting to learn loads during the year.

10 working days in and I've done nowt useful yet. That's right, they've been paying me exorbatant money for me to sit around reading SOPs and waiting for someone to come round and set my computer up. So workwise it's been a bit frustrating. But what about the social life eh??????

10 nights away from home and I've been in two pubs and drunk 3 pints of beer (not counting the cans and bottles I've had in the isolation of my rooms). It's a bit crap sitting in a pub by yourself and there hasn't even been a football match to watch, quiz to go to or a karaoke to star in. In short, I'm lonely.

Regular readers will know that I suffer from periodic bouts of depression and I can feel it coming on now. Mind you, I knew it wouldn't be easy so I'm not surprised at all. It's only for a year and I'm sure things will improve both inside and outside work.

I've also got internet and a mobile phone so I've no excuse for being lonely really. I just am.

Last week I stayed in B&Bs and that was ok. Had a telly and a cooked breakfast and an american couple to talk to. This week I've moved into a shared house and you'd think that would be better. My housemate (there is a vacancy for a third) is a canny bloke from Ireland who teaches French and Spanish when he can (he's a supply teacher so gets about 3 days work a week). He's been around Caterbury for a few years so has a network of friends. We seem to get on all right but it just feels odd to me.

Anyway, I guess the partying starts tomorrow because I've located Canterbury Scrabble Club and I'm going to kick their sorry arses!

Monday, 01. Oct, 2007 - 12:47:10

Hello, Xylophone,

We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated Keane: The Autobiography by Roy Keane have also purchased Alan Shearer My Illustrated Career Special Edition by Alan Shearer with foreword by Sir Bobby Robson. For this reason, you might like to know that Alan Shearer My Illustrated Career Special Edition is now available. You can order yours for just ?90.00 by following the link below.

Alan Shearer My Illustrated Career Special Edition
Alan Shearer with foreword by Sir Bobby Robson
RRP: ?100.00
Price: ?90.00
You Save: ?10.00 (10%)

I'd pay ninety squid to shove it up their a----s

Monday, 01. Oct, 2007 - 12:43:59

Thanks for reading but this blog is simply another in my 'for poserity' series.

I leave my current job on 17th October 2007 and start my new job in Kent on the 22nd.

You may now go off and read something more interesting

Tuesday, 24. Jul, 2007 - 23:14:27

Last Friday my workplace was flooded out. It was an eerie experience as a run-of-the mill drizzly day led to a river flowing through the site and a lake in my office. My enduring memory is of wading about in warm rainwater up to my knees trying to reposition the sandbags and some planks.

Now my office smells.

Although I live on the Gloucestershire/Herefordshire border, apart from the intermittent rain, we have had no problems at home.

I write this for posterity not for your information nor entertainment and I did advise you not to read it so it's your own fault that you've wasted time that you will never get back.

Monday, 16. Jul, 2007 - 00:29:28

Whilst writing an entry in one of my other blogs about weather 'forecasters' I was reminded of a gay experience I had the other day.

You may not believe my protestations but I have to state first of all that although the act I was involved in was entirely voluntary and I could have said 'no' at any stage, I did feel in some way coerced; I was given a stark choice, neither options were easy and to my shame, I chose the gay way out.

Looking back I think I may have made the right decision. But that does not mean that I will be pushing my cheesy wheelbarrow up the bourneville boulevard or anything like that.

So what happened? Well, I was at work having a meeting with one other male and a female. At the end of the meeting we had to walk between two buildings, a distance of about 50 yards. As we left the meeting building I was informed that the weather had taken a turn for the worse. It was spitting. It was that fine rain, the sort that goes right through you.

Being from Sunderland, where no one has ever died from rain, I was not unduly concerned. However, I was dumstruck when my male colleague revealed that he had anticipated the precipitation and had brought us an umbrella each.

I was horrified. This was Bill. A married man whom I'd previously had the greatest of respect for and he was enticing me to use an umbrella. I'd never carried an umbrella for about 3 decades. I looked into his eyes and saw no glint of passion, just a hard, confident, masculine look that said 'this is the right thing to do, let's try to enjoy it'.

We carried the umbrellas for what must have been about 30 seconds but felt like a dirty weekend in Brighton. Although I was deeply ashamed I must confess I was strangely aroused. I couldn't wait to get home, have a hot shower and roger the missus.

Friday, 11. May, 2007 - 13:24:01

A little while ago, Luton was voted as the worst town in Britain. Few would argue.

Last weekend I met up with some former colleagues for a jaunt to see Sunderland play at Luton. We made a strange bunch: Me a Sunderland fan, MA a dilutee Sunderland fan, MI a Luton fan (who knew Kennilworth Road when it was a cowfield), R a Derby fan and MD a rugby fan.

We met up at a random pub in Luton, called The Railway. My God it was manky. A couple of beers in there and a 10 minute walk to the ground.

Through MI's clever negotiating skills, we'd managed to get tickets for Luton's poshest stand. In Luton, posh is a relative term. I was shocked to find that £26 had bought me a cramped seat behind two pillars. I was also sitting next to the fattest welshman in Luton that day.

I was only slightly surprised that I recognised a few accents of other Sunderland fans who had apparently obtained tickets for the Luton end by an assortment of ruses ranging from buying up Luton fans' season tickets outside the ground to joining the Luton membership scheme several months earlier.

But the full scale of the invasion was not apperent until 2 minutes into the game when Sunderland scored their first of 5 goals and I jumped up to cheer along with about half the others in the stand. Quite amusing for us but probably a bit intimidating for the Luton fans, although I don't think there were any serious problems.

After the game we found another pub that was very much out of context with its surroundings - ie it was smart. Another 2 drinks then we said goodbye to MI and R and set off back to MD's home in Royston where MD, MA and me carried on drinking till late.

I had a bit go on the karaoke (Blue (da-ba-de) and Labeled with Love). Bought and ate some southern fried kurdish chicken. Had some more drink. Then woke up the next day in some beautiful young lady's bed.

That's about it I suppose, for my trip to Luton. Sorry the story wasn't a bit more exciting - it seemed very enjoyable at the time. Thanks MI, MD, MA and R it was a good day.

PS. The young lady in question was MD's daughter and she was in Greece at the time. Hope I didn't mess her bedroom up too much.

Monday, 30. Apr, 2007 - 13:18:40

My spirits are quite high as the SSRI effect starts to kick in.

My right thigh has been bothering me for a couple of years now and is still a bit sore when I go for a run but it's bearable.

No styes or cold sores at the moment.

Back ok.

Knees ok.

The athlete's foot has cleared up now; as has the jock itch.

But from time to time I get an incredibly itchy arse.

What is it with thse body parts and why do they take it in turns to annoy me?